学文网I went shopping with my lovely bride. Well, I really didn’t go shopping with her. I went to a mall with her.
The mall was like a 1)burlap bag to me. I didn’t want to be in it. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have―unless I have to go shopping. Shopping is an 2)accomplice to my discomfort.
She went shopping and I went to the 3)geezer bench. The geezer bench is where many non-shopping husbands find themselves in a mall. The husbands take different roads to the same place―the geezer bench. We sit while our 4)better halves search for sales offering one item for half the price of two. Very often, the men are holding their wives’ purses as the women do something other than shop.
“They can have my wife’s purse when they5)pry it from my cold, 6)dead hands,” I 7)muttered bitterly.
We at the geezer bench find comfort in numbers. We herd together to combat the uneasiness we feel in a place far from our natural habitat. We hum the 8)theme from 9)Mission Impossible. We went from 10)prom night to geezer bench in the blink of an eye. We gathered at the bench to rest our weary legs and to share 11)commonalities. We discussed important things while we sat. We wondered why women don’t find great joy in watching 12)The Three Stooges. We agreed that is isn’t much fun to visit ancient 13)ruins when they are younger than we are.
We don’t share these comments with our wives. We find it safer to say things that make a bride’s eyes roll. Things like, “Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound 14)marshmallow, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone.”
I followed my wife around a couple of stores. I whimpered quietly. I am a married man, so I have a single check in my wallet. Back in the days when I could dress myself, I used to carry an entire checkbook, but now I am down to one check. If you see a man pull the only check he has out of his 15)billfold, he’s a married man. 16)Gertrude Stein said, “Money is always there, but the pockets change.”
I stopped at a home 17)furnishings store and 18)planted myself in a chair. I watched and listened to parents dealing with misbehaving children in the expensive, breakable stuff aisle. Parents are amazing creatures. A parent is someone who, in a public place, can yell in a whisper. The clerks left me alone. They could 19)tell that I wasn’t buying anything and was there for the single purpose of seeing what the cost was of the things I was not buying.
My wife moved on to a shoe store. I moved back to the geezer bench. I dodged the bullet of shopping for shoes with my wife. Good times.
I sat alone at the geezer bench as all the other geezers had been called home by their cell phones. I had no idea where my wife was. I must have looked unhappy as an acquaintance that I had not seen for some time stopped by and asked, “Al, you look so sad. What’s wrong?”
I replied, “I lost my wife.”
“Oh, no,” said my visitor, her face contorted into one showing 20)bereavement. “I hadn’t heard. She was so young. I am so sorry for your loss.”
本文为全文原貌 未安装PDF浏览器用户请先***安装 原版全文
I responded, “That’s OK. It’s no big deal. It’s a big mall. She has a lot of places to hide, but I’ll find her.”
我与我迷人的妻子一起去购物。呃,确切地说,我并不是与她去购物,我是跟她一起去购物商场。
对我来说,购物商场就像是一个麻布袋,我不想被套在里面。我的任务是去选择我要过怎样的一天――除非得去购物。购物是造成我不适的“帮凶”。
她去购物了,而我就走向老人椅。老人椅是许多不购物的丈夫们在商场里面呆的地方。这些丈夫们从不同的方向来到同一个地方――老人椅。当我们的另一半去寻找那些买两件即可打五折的商品时,我们就在那里坐着。通常,男士们会负责拿着妻子的包包,而那些妻子左看看右看看,并没在购物。
“他们撬开我冻僵的手就可以拿到我妻子的包包,”我痛苦地喃喃自语道。
坐在老人椅上的人数量众多,作为其中一份子的我们找到了一些安慰。我们聚集在一起,与那种在远离我们自然栖息地的地方所感到的不自在作抗争。我们哼唱着电影《碟中谍》的主题曲。眨眼间,我们便从舞会之夜回到老人椅上。我们聚在长椅上放松我们疲倦的双腿,互诉甘苦。我们坐着的时候会讨论一些重要事情。我们想知道为什么女人在看《活宝三人组》时发现不了其中的巨大乐趣。我们会一致认为,对于比我们年轻的人来说,参观古代遗迹没有多大乐趣。
我们与妻子不会讨论这些东西。我们发现说那些会让妻子们眼睛骨碌碌地转的事情更为安全,诸如:“昨晚我梦到我吃了一个十磅重的棉花糖,醒来之后,我发现枕头不见了。”
我跟着妻子逛了几家店。我低声“泣诉”着:我是一个已婚男人,所以我的钱包里只有一张支票。回想起在那些可以为自己添衣买帽的日子里,我总是带上整本支票簿;而现在,我只能带一张。如果你看到一个男人从他的钱夹里拿出唯一的一张支票时,那么他就是一个已婚男人。特鲁德・斯坦说道:“钱一直在那里,只是口袋变了而已。”
我在一家家居用品店停了下来,一屁股坐在一张椅子上,边看边听那些父母在堆满昂贵又易碎的货品前的走道上教训淘气的小孩。父母是神奇的生物。父母是一些能在公共场合里低声喊骂的人。店员们把我晾在一边。他们可以看穿我不是在买东西,我在那里只有一个目的:就是看我不买的那些东西的价格。
我妻子又“移师”到一家鞋店,我折回到老人椅那里。陪我妻子买鞋这事就像一颗子弹,而我成功躲开了。多美好的时光啊。
我独自一人坐在老人椅上,因为其他老头子都被他们的妻子通过手机叫回家了。我不知道我妻子在哪里。我当时的样子看起来肯定很不高兴,因为一个我有一段时间没见的熟人停下来,问候道:“艾尔,你看起来很伤心。出什么事了吗?”
我回答道:“我失去了我妻子。”
“噢,不是吧,”看望我的人说道,她的面部扭曲成一副丧失亲人的痛楚状。“我没有听说这事。她还这么年轻,真替你难过。”
我回答:“没关系,这没什么大不了的。这个商场很大,她有很多地方可以藏起来,但我会找到她的。”
本文为全文原貌 未安装PDF浏览器用户请先***安装 原版全文